Nigel Yalden: The game called golf

| Saturday, June 23, 2012 9:00 AM

The course attendants hold up their “Quiet Please” signs.

The crowd obliges, falling into a respectful hush.

The golfer stands at the back of the tee box, staring down the fairway, visualising the shot he is about to play.

He steps to the left of where his ball is perched on a small wooden tee.

He goes through his pre-shot routine.

Practice swing.

Place the club behind the ball.

Feet into position and get balanced.

Look down the fairway.

Waggle, waggle, waggle.

Eyes back to the ball and finally, initiate the swing.

The club is drawn back in one fluid, sweeping movement, pausing slightly at the top before the motion is reversed but at an accelerated speed.

The connection is perfect and the ball leaves the tee exactly as the players saw it in his minds eye, starting down the right hand side of the fairway before ever so slightly arcing beautifully back to the left..

And then, not even midway through the completion of that flawless golf swing, some brain dead idiot who claims to be a golf fan screams at the top of his imbecilic lungs “MASHED POTATOES!”

Moment ruined.

It’s at this point where I develop this animalistic urge to drive my fist straight through the screen of my TV in the stupid hope of punching the offending loudmouth in the head.

And it is at this same moment that I come to a staggering realisation.

The Masters, the tournament that I have a deep seated and very public loathing for, has it right.

Those green jacket wearing, sexist, elitist, hole in the space time continuum dwelling rednecks are bang on when they kick spectators out for acts contrary to the fabled Masters Tournament Etiquette and you seriously can not fathom how much it pains me to admit that.

Yes the crowds at Augusta National cheer support and encourage, but at no point can I remember a cry of “GET IN THE HOLE”, “YABBA DABBA DOO” or variation there of.

Maybe I have a case of selective hearing or perhaps just a case of wishful thinking but it just does my head in to watch something as beautiful as a golf swing, only to have it ruined by people who just want to hear their voice on TV so they can post a clip on You Tube or maybe hear themselves on SportsCenter.

Would the PGA tour be a better place if Commissioner Tim Finchem started having these screamers banned from the golf course?

Yes.

Would the TV coverage benefit if broadcasters stop highlighting these morons on a regular basis?

Yes.

Will either party do anything about this blight on the game?

Not a darn thing.

**As published in the Waikato Times on Saturday 23 June 2012 **

Photo: Getty Images